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Constant And Never Ending Improvement

By April 22, 201227 Comments

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This is what Vince and I live our lives by, constant and never ending improvement. 

One of my favorite men in the whole world, Luciano Del Monte, enriches my life by sending me emails with acronyms like the one you are reading today.  I received this email from him on What Men Want In A Marriage and being a wife that has mostly a women readership, I thought I would share with you and hope to enrich your life as it has mine.

I know this is a fitness blog but health is the entire being. Having healthy relationships is a BIG part of health. The World Health Organization (WHO) defined health in its broader sense in 1946 as “a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”

I trust you will enjoy this read:

Hey guys
I thought this was a great article to discuss couple to couple. Mom and I are going to, SO we can make a good Thing–our marriage–even better. 
CANEI stands for constant and never ending improvement!!
“I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.” We don’t know who wrote that statement but it sure can be true —especially when it comes to the different ways that men and women view and perceive many things!

We came across an article we think wives could benefit from reading. It was written by Dr Val Farmer, who gave “points of advice that men frequently mention when it comes to describing what they would like in a marriage.” It was published in The Pilot— Independent and is titled, “What Do Men Really Want in Marriage.”



• Be less critical. Men feel they’re often on the defensive and “wrong” just for voicing an opinion that doesn’t match their wives’ expectations and standards. They want a feeling of teamwork, cooperation, and a more legitimate discussion of issues in their marriage.

• Accept him for what he is —imperfect. He needs to be accepted as he is with his own legitimate interests and hobbies. Take advantage of his strengths and good points. Men want appreciation, probably for the things they are doing for the family. Reinforce and reward the things you appreciate him doing.

• Don’t make every issue between you a fight to the death. Some quirks and differences you can live with. Trying to change him adds to his and your frustration and resentment.

• The home should be a refuge, not a place where he faces a barrage of criticism and conflict. How strongly and frequently you are judgmental of him may shut him down or trigger an emotional response that exacerbates the problem.

• Forget the past. Husbands feel that some past hurts and blunders in the marriage aren’t left alone. They feel matters they think are resolved are brought up unfairly in fights. “Let the dead stay buried.” Forgive mistakes. Don’t bear grudges. Don’t bring up the past unless it pertains to a current problem.

• Be supportive of work and leisure activities. Men want their wives to understand that work obligations occasionally take precedence over family needs. Some of their priorities are out of their control.  Men would like understanding and appreciation for the work pressures and responsibilities they face. A man’s work accomplishments and struggles need to be recognized and supported.

• They also want acceptance for their occasional need to be alone or to pursue their personal interests.

• Be nurturing. Giving emotional support, respect, attention, soothing and meeting his needs makes coming home special. Family meals together give more than bodily nourishment.

In homes where there is confusion, disorganization, anger or emotional distance, men don’t do well. The family doesn’t do well. This isn’t a rehashing of stone-age advice on how to please a husband —”shut up and wait on them.” Mutual roles need to be clarified, understood and negotiated.

If you’re working outside of the home, this is a two-way street. He has a supportive role to play also. But the nurturing and caring still needs to take place. What we are talking about is caring, not care taking. In the era of women’s greater involvement outside of the home, the baby shouldn’t be thrown out with the bath water.

• Verbalize needs. Men don’t like being judged or criticized for not doing something they “should have known.” There are times when they just “don’t get it.” They want their wives’ expectations spelled out — the more detail, the better. Don’t expect him to read your mind. Be clear and spell out exactly what you want and expect from him.

• Be a friend. Men want a safe haven, a best friend where they can unburden themselves and be accepted for who they are. They want to be able to share emotions and know their thoughts and feelings will be kept confidential. Companionship, affection and romance are important. They want a friend who can take their side and is supportive of their struggles.

• Take responsibility for your own happiness. Don’t expect your husband to solve all your problems. If you depend on him to make you happy and always do the thoughtful, loving or right thing, you will be disappointed.

If you are insecure or unhappy with yourself, you’ll have a tendency to put strong and unrealistic demands on the marriage. Over time, unhealthy dependency breeds hostility and resentment.

The last point is such an important part of being in a healthy relationship. Some people I love struggle with this and it pains me to see. Ladies we need to find our own happiness before we can be happy!


Let me know your thoughts below…

Join the discussion 27 Comments

  • Casey says:

    I think this goes both ways, it’s not just the wife that needs to understand those points.

    What he is talking about is what women want too.

  • tammy says:

    Hey Flavia
    This is all so true , thanks for reminding and sharing.
    I really enjoy your mails!

  • Constant improvement?

    That gets my vote!

    And it should, as someone trained up to Master NLP practitioner level and a writer of a book about diet and exercise motivation!

    Keep it up 🙂
    George Super Boot Camps

  • Sophia says:

    Hi Flavia,

    I think I might have found this article when it was just posted as I read it few hours ago. Reading it again now as I receive the link in the email you sent. I’m looking for some motivation and help to do exercises either at the gym or at home. I noticed that I had to change my nutrition when a lot of food got me intoxicated. I found one of your friend’s weight loss program (I guess the one you used before your proposal) and as I was reading an interview about Flavia and Vince few days before I saw one of your videos, I realized it was you and your husband! So after watching your videos, reading your email and seeing how inspiring and down-to-earth you are, I’m deciding to purchase you products. I would like to thank you to target women and inspiring a lot of people just being honest and caring. I’m not really into fitness and I like your style which is very approachable and easy to understand for women like me. May I ask you if there is any Prograde protein products that are dairy-free (no whey or casein)? Is there any dairy-free brands you could recommend?

    • Flavia says:

      I believe there is dairy in this protein powder but it is gluten-free. I don’t have one specific but I would recommend going to a natural health food store to find one…I have seen them there before.

    • Samantha Rayment says:

      Hi Sophia – in Australia we can get Vital Greens Vital Protein (Pea Isolate) protein powder – it is suitable for vegetarians / vegans, super low in carbs, and high protein. It’s fine mixed with cold water and a little stevia for sweetness.
      Some information for you: Main nutrition per 100grams: Protein 82gm Carbohydrates 0.8gm Dietary fibre 2.3gm Fat 1.3gm Calories 360gm Kilojoules 1507gm. Vital Greens Vital Protein contains 100% pea protein isolate extracted from Golden peas by a natural process to ensure maximum bioavailability. Vital Greens Vital Protein ensures a high 82% bio-available protein due to a new patented process which breaks down a trypsin (protein-digesting enzyme) inhibitor present in legumes, allowing access to the full amino acid profile. Well worth looking for in the US 🙂

      • Sophia says:

        Hi Samantha,

        thank you so much. I’m going to Australia next month. As a cabin crew, I have to watch my nutrition more than before but it’s a good thing as I’m eating more healthy now. Can you tell me where can I get it in Sydney? Or I’ll try to look for it in New York.

        Thanks for the reply, Flavia. I found one raw vegan (dairy-free) protein powder.

  • VaneSsa says:

    This is really stellar advice! Wish I had taken note of this before I separated from my husband!

  • raven thorne says:

    This is some of the best advice you can give women. Love yourselves first and then you would be able to see how well you and your partner will see eye to eye

  • Lori says:

    Thanks for sharing. Very good advise. Your right, the last one is extremely important. Everyone has to be happy from within.

  • Rebakah says:

    Good stuff! Absolutely agree with you on that last point. It is so essential.

  • Lyndsey says:

    This works both ways and in some cases the rolls are reversed. Some things a partner does are not forgivable and are hard for anyone to forget. This above is generalized I suppose but most women nowadays have the same basic needs. Most of us do take care of ourselves and have careers etc. The issues arise when we are expected to hold a career and also care for children and a home and there is no mutual workload. This is where arguments and resentment stem from, A lot of men are still stuck in the old ages where the women stayed home and just had their children and husbands to care for and still have this expectation when she has a career.
    This article should have included what a woman needs out of a relationship, the article reads as though all that is important is what he gets or needs from it.
    From my personal experience in my home as the woman I brought in a higher salary and had more career burdens than my husband and therefore like I said the roles are reversed. In order for couples to survive in this era they need to have mutual acceptance that its all 50/50 and talk about each of their relationship needs and also be able to realize that you may not always get your personal space, you may have to cook and clean and care for her and the children. Personally I think after all these years of us woman being the underdogs its about time and article is written to men to have them understand what we need from them. Most of us already know what they want or would like to have out of a relationship and again it works both ways!!

  • Jenell Magrum says:

    Thank you Flavia, that was such an encouraging reminder for what I think a lot of us as wives take for granted in our husbands. I really appreciate your stand for not only physical fitness, but also for our spiritual, mental, and emotional fitness as well. Its good to know that there are still people out there that believe that marriage is something worth fighting for, and not willing to let it just burn out and die- to the end of divorce. Please keep up the good work, and your stand on all these areas of life! Lord Bless! 🙂


  • Tj says:

    Good point of view here. My wife is my best friend. I do not need to go out with the guys and drink or gamble. We don’t see enough of each other, as it is. We can be just fine each doing our own thing, me on the computer, her doing her Avon, as long as we are together in the same house. We don’t have to do everything together, but it is a treat when we can. We enjoy being together to go out for lunch on our one day off together each week. We have breakfast once or twice a week together and savor the time together. I really don’t need outside friends, and other than going to the shooting range once in a while, or to the library, we spend our free time enjoying each others company. I do most of the housework cleaning, but she does most of the laundry. We take turns washing dishes and she calls me the handsomest man in the world, though I know I am not. She brags about importing me from OK, as there were no decent guys here in NC. She supports me in my crazy ways and puts up with my corny jokes. What else could I ask for?

  • Cheryl says:

    WOW…this kind of sounds something that was in one of the very old women’s magazine from the early 30’s……

    I guess for women the flip side can be said where the guy comes home and the house is a mess kids are screaming dinner isn’t cooked nothing is done and the wife is still in her pajamas in bed reading when the husband comes home and sees all of this and starts to complain… And her reply is you know all that I do in a day for when you come home and his reply is yes and hers is…..well today I didn’t do it….I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s a two way street where the men of the house should notice and compliment their wives on what they do. My husband has a saying if you treat your wife like a thurobread she won’t turn into a nagg….
    I’m not a women’s libber but come on people……

  • Maryse says:

    I totally agree. Happiness comes from within. As for all the points that a man wants out of a relationship, I think it’s a two way street. Ok maybe as women we don’t need the verbalizing of their needs so much…..wink wink.

    Keep up the great work, Flavia.

  • Voilet says:

    Thanks Flavia for such an empowering article.

    I have seen a number of persons in marriage relationships who say they already made a mistake and is unable to change what is happening to them but at the same time they would say ‘I envy you” because you are so happy.

    We all have to make sacrifices in order for the relationship to work and everyone has a choice daily, it is up to you to take the right choice.

    I always read your e-mails even though sometimes I don’t get to resond to them. Keep up the good work.


  • Sue neil says:

    Hi flavia I totally agree with all points but it would also be interesting to get the “what women want in a marriage as well” This would give an all round perspective of an ideal partnership in a marriage. As I have just celebrated my 29th anniversary yesterday I believe I have the ideal marriage. A real partnership based on love, friendship and respect. Keep the blogs coming Flavia they are always interesting no matter what the topic.

  • Amanda says:

    Hi Flavia,
    Great post and I appreciate you sharing it with us! I enjoyed it and I have heard about Canei through Tony Robbins! Can’t wait to hear more from you and maybe meet you in person one day! Take care!!! Xoxo

  • Raquel says:

    Thank you for the article! I find everything to be so very true… specially the last point. Women sometimes expect men to make us happy. I have made that mistake so many times, but we need to continue being our own person, even after marriage and still dream and pursue our goals and make them happen! I forgot about myself after marriage and having children and during that time i expected my husband to make me happy and guess what, it didn’t happen!

  • Richard says:

    Thanks Flavia you sound like you really understand a real relationship between a man and a woman,your well grounded , Vince is one lucky man to have you as his wife not all men are this lucky ,God bless and keep up the good work,your awesome.

  • This is Flavia’s dad in law here who passed on the article to her. This was a piece I came across in preparation for a marriage coaching session my wife and I were doing. There will be another one coming out that I suspect my beautiful daughter in law will post called, “What Women Want from their Men’. So be patient and we’ll get it out soon.

  • Tisa says:

    Isn’t this more applicable as a list of ways men and woman can build their marriage? I agree with the value of these points though. Appreciate the difference, give generously and take responsibility for your own part in your vision of an ideal marriage. Press into the part of that vision that depends on you without negotiating based on how anyone else in that vision is living up to their part and by taking responsibility for yourself, you will create momentum for the life you want to live.

    • Flavia says:

      Sure but we have to take responsibility on our part. We can’t make our partner do anything but if we strive to be loving wifes and meet his needs, I am pretty sure he will meet ours.

  • Laura says:

    Great article! Thanks Flavia! I don’t think this is out dated at ALL! In fact, let’s be realistic and look at the current statistics on divorce and out of married couples, how many of those are actually happy… women’s lib movement hasn’t done us any favours in my opinion.

    Sorry ladies but I agree with all the points in this article and if all we do is turn around and ask ‘what about MY needs first?!’ then we have completely missed the point!

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